7 Visions of Myself in 20 Years
It is winter and
I am drinking tea from a
mason jar in an
a beam of sunlight ushered
through old window panes.
It is winter and
old pains in the spoon
dip of my back and the
depth of my temple are
beside me as I (I am too
few years on this earth
for this) walk quiet weighty streets.
It is winter and
loudspeakers carry the adhān
into my room where
bedsheets like bandages
adhere to my chest, I step
out into the garden and
pick a mango still
dripping night rain.
It is winter and
I press the pads of my toes
against her sighing
knees, my closed eyes facing
outwards and, around my
back, she wraps her ladle body.
It is winter and
rain has leaked into
the train and drips
down inside walls, the
chaiwalla dances through the
car and the hot tea spice
grounds my morning.
It is winter and
his body orbits my
chair, him chopping
omelet vegetables while
Billie Holiday and Nina Simone
carry conversation, and I
wonder who will sing the
blues in these 30s.
It is winter and
my February daughter is
ten years alive this
morning, I am mixing pancake
batter and smiling
to myself, thinking
I am too few years on
this earth for this.
Sun, Mar. 28th, 2010, 12:07 am
"I have only one purpose: to live intensely."
from Arkaye Kierulf's "Spaces"
Thu, Jul. 23rd, 2009, 03:22 am
good 'ol shel
a confession: this made me cry.
Tue, Dec. 2nd, 2008, 10:24 am
went through this list of 1001 books someone has decided must be read pre-dying while at work yesterday. I've read exactly 50. which at first seemed alright. But then I realized that it means that if I continue at my current pace of 50 books/10 years (based on my not really having read many on the list before I was 11) then I'll need to stay alive and reading for roughly 200 more years to finish them all.
so there's one potential goal I can cross off my list.
I've actually been doing that a lot lately.
feels really nice.
oh, and this was the list: www.listology.com/content_show.cfm/content_id.22845/Books
Thu, Sep. 13th, 2007, 10:44 am
I think this pretty accurately summarizes Jen's and my year off...
Edit: Dammit..it's not showing up..or else not large enough to see it. But if you click on it...then click on it again in the new window it should work.
Thu, Apr. 26th, 2007, 12:01 am
I'm pretty sure this is what is happening in my brain right now.
p.s. This is not an animated image.
p.p.s. Check for yourself if you don't believe me.
Hello Winter, hello flanneled
blanket of clouds, clouds
fueled by more clouds, hello again.
off to the west, that silver
of sunset, rust-colored
and gone too soon.
And night (I admit to a short memory)
you climb back in with chilly fingers
and clocks, and there is no refusal:
ice cracks the water main, the garden hose
stiffens, the bladed leaves of the rhododendron
shine in the fog of a huge moon.
And rain, street lacquer,
oily puddles and spinning rubber,
mist of angels on the head of a pin,
and snow, upside-down cake of clouds,
white, freon scent, you build
even as you empty the world of texture —
hello to this new relief,
this new solitude now upon us,
upon which we feed.
Only there's no snow. The second to last stanza seems really fitting though.
The past week or so has felt remarkably like a February week. Only not cold enough. the rest of the typical list fits pretty well though:
-out of bodyness *checks*
-dry skin *emphatically checks while scratching knee*
-sleepless nights *small check, some nights have been fine*
-apathetic attitude towards school *checks*
-anti-socialness *small check*
-reading a lot late at night *checks*
-above consisting mostly of books and poems of a depressing nature *checks* (Fall on Your Knees, for the 2nd time, which is outstanding, and random poems)
-bad half-poems littered around my room on scraps of paper *checks*
-longing to travel or at least get out of my skin for a bit *checks*
-dreaming up exciting summer plans *checks*
-feeling sure they'll never happen *checks*
To break the february trend though I've been pretty good about what I'm eating (I gained more than I'm happy about over the break).
This all sounds too dreary-bleary. Work, for one, is great. I'm so lucky to have this job. And my classes are truly inspired (even the enviro ones). And I've been making new friends.
Apparently today is not an eloquent one for me.
Fri, Jan. 12th, 2007, 01:00 pm
I've always loved how others' poems can be more me in a particular instant than I can be (or at least express).
She's eaten dinner talking
back to the television, she's
had coffee and brandy, done
the dishes and drifted into
and out of sleep over a book
she found beside the couch. It's
time for bed, but she goes
instead to the front door, unlocks
it, and steps onto the porch.
Behind her she can hear only
the silence of the house. The lights
throw her shadow down the stairs
and onto the lawn, and she walks
carefully to meet it. Now she's
standing in the huge, whispering
arena of night, hearing her
own breath tearing out of her
like the cries of an animal.
She could keep going into
whatever the darkness brings,
she could find a presence there
her shaking hands could hold
instead of each other.
It surprised me that this was written by a guy... though perhaps it shouldn't have.
I just realized that my lj heading name thing is still "Two Wandering Weirdos"....sad...
So of course THIS is when I post something, when it's 5:33 a.m. the night/morning before a 3000 word essay is due that I'm not close to done. I'm pretty sure it's not going to get in on time. Even if I could finish it for 12:30 (when I have class) I'm pretty sure my mark would be better if I hand it in Friday, despite the 5% I'll lose.
Or maybe I just can't be bothered to get my act together and finish the damn thing.
I AM drinking copious amounts of Early Gray though (perfect level of caffeine - coffee makes me too jittery at this hour). And eating tons of baby corns out of a can (this is what one is reduced to when living in a university dorm). Wanna hear what the REALLY impressive part is? Of course you do - I don't have a can opener! So, being the ingenious/hungry/determined/procrastinatorextraordinaire I am I managed to open the can with a wine bottle opener (which of course I do have because of the copious amount of wine I drink alone in my room).
Shouldn't this count for something?
I hate how I haven't deserved to pass any schoolwork I've done thus far at uni.
I literally did not study one second for one of my midterms.
The other two I gave maybe 6 hours combined.
I haven't started an essay before this one more than 2 days in advance.
Luckily, one doesn't always get what one deserves and I have been passing.
Damn. I was so motivated with this one too. I think I did too much research. I definitely care about the topic too much (indigenous people in Ecuador vs. the oil companies). I think I've forgotten that I'm writing an essay, not actually supposed to be figuring out/solving their problems.
Come to think about it - did I choose this topic purposely to drive my resentment of school /missing last year to new heights?
Note to self: no you are not allowed to buy a plane ticket and fly back to the indigenous community you lived with last year. Not even for the weekend. Not even if you're writing an essay about them now. No, it won't give you a higher mark. No you can't kidnap Jen and bring her with you (stupid law school).
Too bad - I'm getting boring with this obsession with last year/years off/hatign school. I'll try and stop before this gets to be too painful a trend.
I'm torn at this point between continuing to ramble or not. I feel I have a right to continue because I haven't subjected anyone to my lj self in a while. This whole journal entry would be behind an lj cut if I knew how to do that. I know I could learn but I definitely can't be bothered now.
In other news, I'm thinking of applying to the nonuglylesbians lj community but I'm a little scared of getting torn to pieces. or rather, I'm not sure I have any photos of me that are hot and not just cute. Though I suppose cute should count as nonugly. But I think they choose people based on whether or not they'd want in their pants. Anyone have hot photos of me? I think not.
I think this means it's time for bed. That was a slip. I was supposed to write work. WORK DAMMIT. Right. Either way, enough of this.
Mon, Nov. 6th, 2006, 03:45 pm
So...about the part where I said I'd start posting again... Apparently that hasn't happened.
I guess I only ever want to post when I only have happy things to say. Not that I've been miserable lately - not at all. But, well, long distance relationships suck. And I find myself really intensely missing last year (and not just that I got to spend all my time with the most amazing person...sigh). It was without a doubt the best year of my life, and it's hard to fight the constant impulses to buy a plane ticket to some remote, third world country and regain all that freedom again. There's nothing quite like knowing that the next day you could go anywhere you choose: cross borders, trek on camels, save the rainforest, be ten feet away from wild tigers, go sandboarding, watch an exorcism, get marriage proposals, anything really! (crazy shit happens in "developing" countries). I have trouble reminding myself that that was real. Or, rather, that this is real and not a couple-month-long experiment at university. THAT was the experiment, and not what I'll be able to do the rest of my life...sigh
I guess independence is hard to let go of.
And I guess I crave advaneture and had a bit too big a fix of it - such that I'm addicted.
Or maybe school work is just sucky, and I'd be down whether or not last year was incredible.
Or maybe this is all about missing Jen. After all, would I really want to travel the world again without her?
Going home this past weekend was really nice. Too nice. It made it hard to come back. I really love Montreal and certain people it contains. it's funny for Montreal to be a really exciting interim between monotonous weeks at school, as opposed to when it was a calming, relaxing interim between crazy adventures/misadventures.
I think to deal with this overwhelming nostalgia (and it has been overwhelming... I spend way too much time wishing I was overseas...somewhere) I should plan something REALLY exciting for my summer break. Obviously, I was always planning to spend that time traveling (especially since this is my one and only summer off during university... co-op is going to rob all the rest of 'em) but I think starting to think about it/plan it now will help me. Wow - just realized that, before this, the max amount of time I/we have ever spent planning a trip (or, rather, largest amount of time from flight booking to take-off) was just over 2 weeks.
On another note, this quiz amused me (I saw it on someone's lj..can't rememebr whose or I'd mention it, obv)
Can't say I'm too pissed off with my result. It's what i would have said abotu myself. (or, maybe the 5.5 instead)
For Lesbians... Where Do You Fall on the Butch-Femme Continuum?
Hope everyone's well - I've been in so little touch with anyone besides people I saw this weekend. I rather enjoy that only one cool individualfrom Waterloo has my lj - it means that this is essentially a link home, and I can say negative things about southern ontario (and trust me, I have a TOn to rant about regarding that - will save it for another time).
oh, and I'm going to write here that my next post is going to include the eminent challenge Jen and I are facing of bringing our very good friend Jamyang (a Tibetan monk) to Canada to make Mandalas. I'm writing this here so that I will in fact post about it.